horribilis

I’ve had a shitty day and it’s mostly my fault. Originally, we had plans to go to Toronto and meet up with my friend and her son, but they had to cancel as her kid is still sick. So we modified our plans — Raspberry and I were going to go to Toronto and have an easy day out there, since she’s been wanting to go. But she woke up at 6:30am today and by eleven, had already thrown a few tantrums, so Lucas and I decided that being in Toronto with a livewire was probably not a good idea. Thus, we stayed home and decided to go to storytime instead, since she’s been wanting to go and we’ve only been to one out of the past six sessions.

But of course, after lunch, she decided to make a cage on the bed out of pillows and didn’t want to go to storytime. No matter. At least she’s happily playing. But somewhere along the line, I’m not even sure how, but it just went downhill. I should’ve taken her out during the afternoon, but the rain and snow had started and the howling winds didn’t make me want to go out. Going out would probably have saved us from the less-than-pleasant afternoon we had. There were at least two more tantrums in there and for some reason I can’t pinpoint, I got really annoyed that she wasn’t drinking anything (she hadn’t really drunk anything since breakfast). Like really annoyed, and I laid into her about it. I wasn’t very nice and I felt like I couldn’t help myself and it just got worse. Finally, after a twenty or twenty-five minute scream/cry-fest, I got her into the bath, telling her that it’d be shorter (about nineteen minutes, because she likes the number nine) because I wanted her to have an early dinner and be in bed by seven, to make up for the lost sleep. Instead, she kept wanting to stay in the bath and I was just mentally exhausted from the day, so I let her. Her bath ended up being about an hour long. She had dinner and somewhere in there, the issue of drinking came up again and I got mad yet again. [The thing is, I do know that she’ll drink when she wants or needs to and one day of poor fluid consumption is not a big deal; I’m not sure why it was just really bugging me today] We sat in piercing silence for minutes. I thought that the best way for me to stop everything from annoying me and for me to stop being horrible was to get her to bed, which was easy enough since she was exhausted.

Tomorrow is a new day and will start with a clean slate. I wasn’t proud of the way I behaved today and I’m not sure why I couldn’t seem to help myself — the passive-aggressiveness seem to be bubbling under my skin and then came bursting out. I think it was partly because our plans were spoilt and I’d been really looking forward to being in Toronto. In hindsight, I should’ve just taken her out for a walk in the afternoon so the both of us wouldn’t have gotten crazy. I can only hope she remembers today as an anomaly (or better yet, doesn’t remember it at all) and knows that the way I was today isn’t the way I am.

Okay, deep breath, and time for my dinner.

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