Right now, I’m not particularly enjoying my role as a parent. Raspberry has been very dependent and whiny and bossy and wants me to do practically everything for her. Her behaviour has been getting on my nerves a lot and lately, I think I’ve gotten quite stressed from it (my body tells me so in the form of losing more hair and the return of my ezcema). I find myself not really wanting to spend time with her, and relishing time to myself more. She’s not always exasperating but I seem to be more focused on the negative parts of the day. I feel awful for feeling this way. I think that both of us having some time away from each other would be helpful — I don’t go crazy from being with her all the time, and she gets to be with Lucas and hopefully, becomes more open to letting him do things for her.

I think part of how I feel might tie into how much I dislike having motherhood as a primary identity. But that’s what I’ve been doing for the past three years. It’s hard to untangle myself from it. Yet, I’m the happiest when I’m doing something not child-related. It’d probably help if Raspberry and I had more regular breaks from each other in the past three years — she wouldn’t be so dependent on only me doing stuff for her and I might feel less frustrated with her. After all, parenting books and articles do mention the obvious that having a happier parent results in a happier child. That’s the one thing I’m determined to change when parenting future kid(s) — that I’m not going to be with them all the freaking time and that they’ll get to spend more time with Lucas or anyone else. For now though, the thought of any future offspring just makes my eyes roll and head hurt.

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2 responses

  1. Now that she’s older, it seems like if you do take some time for yourself and she has a hard time, Lucas shouldn’t call you to come home. He should just deal with it and they will find a way to work it out together, if not the first time, then the second or third time. It’s not like you are leaving her with a stranger, so it’s not cruel or unusual.

    The thought of having more children isn’t really a pleasant one for me either after all my deliberation early on. The thought of having an only child is EXTREMELY pleasant though. Once Raspberry gets over this phase of life, I’m sure it will be very relaxing for you. You’ll get there!

    May 11, 2011 at 2:36 pm

  2. We’re trying to work through the separation. I used to go to class 3 times a week, so I’d be away for about 6h/week and she was mostly all right with that, till class ended and I pretty much was with her all the time. I’ve been trying to go do my thing outside home for about an hour or so daily, so she can Lucas can have time together and it seems to be all right so far. Lucas has actually no means of reaching me while I’m out because I don’t have a cellphone :) The first few times I went to class last semester, I’d always worry I’d return home to find they’ve both killed each other (figuratively, of course!), because there were a few times she would just tantrum and not let Lucas do anything.

    Actually, tomorrow, I’m going to Toronto on my own and I’ll probably be away from her for 7+ hours and I have no idea how that’s going to work out (and I’ll be thinking of them the whole time). I’m excited about doing it though.

    It’s actually quite comforting to know that I’m not the only one not thrilled with the prospect of having more kids. I used to think that I wanted a large family but now, that’s the furthest thought from my mind. Two, maybe three tops. I think Rb could use a sibling and sometimes, I do miss the newborn stage and I think how it’d be nice to have another kid (in my mind, this kid and Rb are both older, like 6 or 7. I can’t imagine the toddler stage at all, for some reason). I’m a bit ambivalent about the thought of having an only child. Maybe that’s just my experience being 1 of 4 kids talking. Hmm, it seems like I can’t quite make up my mind as to what I want exactly at this point.

    I honestly can’t wait for Rb to get over whatever this is she’s going through. I started to think the other day how she might be an anxious, sensitive child and if play therapy might help, but that just gets into labelling and all sorts of things that might not actually be there. Sorry I’ve rambled so much! Thanks for listening :) Time for me to head to bed now!

    May 12, 2011 at 3:56 am

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