Right now, I’m not particularly enjoying my role as a parent. Raspberry has been very dependent and whiny and bossy and wants me to do practically everything for her. Her behaviour has been getting on my nerves a lot and lately, I think I’ve gotten quite stressed from it (my body tells me so in the form of losing more hair and the return of my ezcema). I find myself not really wanting to spend time with her, and relishing time to myself more. She’s not always exasperating but I seem to be more focused on the negative parts of the day. I feel awful for feeling this way. I think that both of us having some time away from each other would be helpful — I don’t go crazy from being with her all the time, and she gets to be with Lucas and hopefully, becomes more open to letting him do things for her.
I think part of how I feel might tie into how much I dislike having motherhood as a primary identity. But that’s what I’ve been doing for the past three years. It’s hard to untangle myself from it. Yet, I’m the happiest when I’m doing something not child-related. It’d probably help if Raspberry and I had more regular breaks from each other in the past three years — she wouldn’t be so dependent on only me doing stuff for her and I might feel less frustrated with her. After all, parenting books and articles do mention the obvious that having a happier parent results in a happier child. That’s the one thing I’m determined to change when parenting future kid(s) — that I’m not going to be with them all the freaking time and that they’ll get to spend more time with Lucas or anyone else. For now though, the thought of any future offspring just makes my eyes roll and head hurt.Advertisements