the hiatus is over!

I’ve had this blog for eleven years (!!) and I think this is the longest it’s ever been on hiatus, and an unplanned one, at that. Previous sporadic hiatuses have only been a month or so, I think.

This past year, especially following Ares’ birth, I’ve been making more of an effort to write in a proper notebook and while I find that does help with writing here, lately I haven’t been able to juggle doing both, especially when I’m exhausted at the end of the day, which is just about the only time I have to myself.

That said, the hiatus has come about due to a number of things, one being the lack of time to actually sit down, post-process my images and write. Since the late summer, we’ve taken quite a number of trips and I’ve been meaning to write about each one and post the accompanying images, but surprise, surprise, it’s piled up on me! The past month has also seen me felled by some typical cold weather illness (I’m not even really sure what I had), which has meant going to bed much earlier than I normally would (practically unheard of, when it comes to me!).

Also, back in September, the laptop crashed, taking with it all my images from 2014. Stupid me failed to back them up and now, I’ve crossing my fingers that they can be recovered, especially the ones of Ares’ birth and early days. We’ve tried one mode of data recovery but the hard drive isn’t clicking at all, so it needs to be physically opened up. It’s the second time I’ve lost my images (baby pictures!) so I’m more than a bit sore about it, but I’m still optimistic that the files can be recovered. At least we’re financially able to get the hard drive fixed right now, although I’m not sure when that will actually happen.

Anyhow, I’m hoping this post is the little kick I need to revive this blog and get back into the mindset of sharing my writing and images. Here’s to rejuvenating this space!

a museum afternoon

Now that school is back in session, I’m rejoicing as the museums are quiet enough for us to visit. You see, summer is when we avoid museums like the plague because ugh, I hate crowds and they make Raspberry anxious and more tantrum-prone. We were briefly at the Manchester Museum a couple of weeks ago to have lunch in their picnic area and all the people there just did my head in. Anyway, this week has been and will be busy, so we needed a quiet day in there somewhere, and for us, a quiet day is a trip to the museum.

It’s been quite a while since we were last at the World Museum to properly see the exhibits, rather than just being there for a learning session or for a craft. I think it must have been at least a couple of months. The exhibits are rarely changed, so frequent visits (as we sometimes do) can make the museum quite stale at times.

Raspberry wanted to go see her favourite exhibits — the bug house and the aquarium — but we ended up doing something completely different. When we arrived, she wanted to go to the Weston Discovery Centre to play mancala, except that it wasn’t there anymore, as they’d installed new exhibits. So, she busied herself putting together her name (Ellesmere Port, not Raspberry) in Old Norse. She got most of the name, except there weren’t enough R’s, so she abandoned it. Together, we looked at foot-binding in China, reading about it and looking at the tiny shoes on display. The person working there opened up the case and we got to handle the shoes too. I held Ares’ foot up to one. His foot is almost the same size as the shoe, maybe a little bit bigger, so he’s obviously not beautiful or marriageable by ancient Chinese standards. I put Ares on the floor to crawl around (and lick the footrests on the stools) while I helped Raspberry with a shoe-matching activity. Most of my days are spent trying to divert him away from hazards, so it was nice that there was a relatively clear floorspace for him to move about while I could focus most of my attention on Raspberry. It’s been a long time since Raspberry and I have engaged in an activity together and I actually had fun, even though we didn’t get everything right. I think I need more of these focused times with Raspberry so we can reconnect and so everything she does doesn’t inexplicably drive me crazy.

We looked at the hominid skulls and Raspberry did her usual thing with the pelvis and femur, where she holds them up to her own body and tries to walk. The person manning the discovery centre, Adam, was the same guy who ran a human evolution event here at the museum last year. Raspberry asked him lots of questions and he was impressed by her anatomical knowledge. Since then, we’ve encountered him in many of the other events the museum has held and we’ve chatted to him on numerous occasions. He didn’t seem to recognize us this time though, and it took a bit, but he finally did, citing Raspberry’s glasses as the reason for not recognizing her. As Raspberry ran around throwing her cat, Violet, in the air, Adam told me how the humerus is the last to decompose and that there’s a 50,000 year window to extract mitochondrial DNA from a bones. I thought that was amazing and after I mentioned it to Raspberry, she wanted to know what the first bone would be to decompose (he didn’t know). He showed her the Haida puzzles, which she worked on, and seemed excited to show her the bone-related exhibits on display in the centre, most of which we’d seen previously. She was getting easily distracted by this time though, given her limited attention span, and she was starting to run around and fling her shoes in the air.

Another person who worked there asked when she would be going back to school and she almost gleefully replied, “Neverrrr!” but didn’t really want to say why. I explained that we’re homeschoolers and the person said that she must have to sit and get her work done before going out to play. Raspberry replied, “I play all the time!” and I had to clarify our child-led approach to learning. Adam told us about a new octopus, tentaively named Tako, at the aquarium and psyched (because we love cephalopods), we headed downstairs to find it. After asking around, we were directed to a common octopus in the small tank, sleepily stuck to the side of a rock. A tired Ares seemed intrigued by the fish in the coral reef tanks, although I wish they weren’t under ultraviolet light (a new feature since the last time we visited), so he could see the fish more clearly.

I always enjoy the museum so much more when we’ve had a long break from it, and Raspberry does too. We get so much more out of our visit. I think the same thing happened last year around this time too, post-summer, after weeks of actively avoiding the museum. And it’s always so nice when it’s quiet enough that the staff can answer questions and show us cool stuff one-on-one (and it’s also great when they recognize us too). I’m glad Raspberry was interested in the stuff about foot-binding, although perhaps not captivated enough to look up more about it. It’s been a while since I last saw her this interested in any particular topic, so I get excited when it happens. All in all, it turned out to be an unexpectedly pleasant afternoon, a good way to break up our busy week.

back to the canal

Taking advantage of the rare full sunny day today and the fact that it’s been two months since we were last there, we went to the canal and locks again. I discovered a quieter route there, so it was less stressful than the last time, when I felt like we had to maneuver our way across very busy roads. We walked by the businesses on Great Homer Street, most of them shuttered for whatever reason, and went by lots of new residential developments. I remarked to Raspberry how it’s a shame there’s all these nice-looking houses, but the neighbourhood is less than ideal. We walked beside a church, and as I stopped to take a picture, a woman signed to another older lady wheeling her bag along that I was photographing the church. Part of the route was the same as before, as we wended through the residential area adjacent to the canal. I watched a toddler standing outside his home attempt to pour pop from a can into a Lucozade bottle. He asked an adult to do so and then promptly drank from it.

Raspberry spent a while picking blackberries that were growing right on the edge of the canal and the Canadian geese approached us again, in the hopes that we came bearing bread (nope). At the locks, Raspberry did find a small corner of bread on the ground, which she initially said she would feed to whichever ducks or geese she saw but we didn’t chance upon any thereafter. Instead, she balled the bread up and spent a lot of time thinking and talking about the possibility of selling bread balls in a store (“how do you get stores to sell your stuff?”). Hers are special because you can add whatever toppings like raisins or cranberries to suit your taste. She clutched the ball of bread, manipulating and re-manipulating it until it became a dirty grey-brown (“look, it’s now whole wheat bread!”). She also delighted in throwing handfuls of pebbles from the path into the water, while I suggested directions to two guys with North American accents on city bikes. I was tempted to ask them where they’re from, but I didn’t want to come off as being trite.

We walked on to Great Howard Street and gaped at the tobacco warehouse in awe and I suggested searching for the large Chinese supermarket that’s supposed to be somewhere along the street. We walked one way and came upon industrial business upon industrial business and gave up. Not really wanting to return home just yet, we walked in the other direction and just as I was about to give up and return toward the locks, I saw Chinese characters on the side of a building and lo and behold, there it was. Raspberry and I browsed shelves of various sauces and we picked out two kinds of noodles, water chestnuts, grass jelly and bean sprouts. I didn’t have enough money for the bean sprouts so I had her put them back. As I was standing in line at the checkout, someone working there offered to help me put my stuff on the conveyor belt. He spoke in Cantonese and I gave my thanks in English. In retrospect, I think I should’ve thanked him in Cantonese.

Walking back through the locks, I watched three delinquent teenagers (or twenty-somethings) pitch a television set into the water. Raspberry wet her bread ball again and tossed a couple more handfuls of pebbles into the canal (“I love the plopping sound they make”). Ares, who had already napped twice during our time out, was getting fussy, as he hadn’t nursed in hours. He also seemed to have suddenly caught a cold while we were out, sneezing incessantly and developing a drippy nose. We stopped at the playground to nurse and because it was getting late and we were getting hungry, I had to explain to her that we weren’t going to stay long. She seemed receptive, had her fun climbing the rope structure (she made it to the middle for the first time since last summer) and thankfully, had no trouble leaving. It was a relatively decent morning and the adventurous part of me wanted to go back out again later in the afternoon but the sane part of me thought better of it.

the locks

Early last month, I dragged Raspberry over to the locks at the Leeds and Liverpool Canal. I say “dragged,” because she had been reluctant to go, but I was itching to get outside after a few quiet days. We’d never been to the locks or the canal before. Actually, I didn’t know of their existence until I picked up a map of Everton Park, which showed the locks right on the edge on the map. The only other time I’d seen locks was in Ottawa and I just marvelled at how they work. Like a little kid, I stood there watching for a long time as the boats made their way from the Rideau Canal to the river.

The locks here were about an hour’s walk from our apartment. We typically walk that distance when we go to the docks, but this walk felt particularly long as we traipsed through unfamiliar neighbourhoods and along unknown streets. As I repeatedly consulted my hand-drawn map, Raspberry, moaning with supposed fatigue, wasn’t especially convinced that our trip was going to be worth it. But she soon changed her tune when we finally got to the canal and lo and behold, there were geese (always a selling point with a kid). Canadian geese who speed-swam over when they saw us at the water’s edge and swam away just as quickly when they saw we didn’t have food for them. Despite this, Raspberry still enjoyed seeing the geese and moorhens and it took a bit of cajoling to get her leave them behind and keep walking toward the locks.

We finally made it there (including a pit stop where she accidentally peed on my shoes and pants) and I think she was as excited about the locks as I was when I first saw them. She had a great time crossing them from one side to another and watching the water seep out through them. I tried to explain to her how the work but I’m not sure if she quite understood. Pulling with all her might, she tried to open the locks manually, of course, to no avail. It’s a shame there weren’t any boats coming in or heading out to the river so she could see the locks in action. It makes me wonder how often boats actually come out here, since I saw cobwebs on some of the rails on the locks.

As interesting as the locks were, what I really wanted to see was the abandoned tobacco warehouse at the Salthouse Dock. When we travel north on the train, I often see the dark, imposing buildings. Because of my camera lens and the speed at which the train travels, I’m not usually able to get a very good picture of them but now, they were finally standing right before me, in all their red-bricked, broken-windowed glory. It would have been cool to be able to get on to the premises, but I suspect it’s not possible. Raspberry busied herself watching trains go by on the bridge, waving and counting the number of cars each had, as I stood in awe of the warehouses. As one might expect, abandoned buildings, especially those you can’t enter, aren’t all that intriguing to six-year-olds and she was desperate to go back to the locks. As we left, we watched transparent metallic blue dragonflies dart across the water, and two girls in purple uniforms kicking a ball back and forth over the canal. The one in the fedora kept saying “fuck” whenever the ball ended up in the water, and she said “fuck” a lot. More than I think any pre-adolescent child should. But I digress.

At the end of our afternoon out, Raspberry declared that the day had been more fun than she had expected (to which, I mentally jumped in the air) and more recently, she’s asked to go back. We probably will, as the summer (or what’s left of it) dies down and we start having to actively search for things to do.

raspberry’s half-birthday

It’s Raspberry’s half-birthday today, so she’s officially six-and-a-half. We’ve been celebrating her half-birthday since she was born, initially with banana bread and then as she got older, cupcakes, but it’s never really been much of a big deal beyond that. This year however, she’d been planning a big day at the beach since December. On numerous occasions (often on our long walks home from a day out), she’d talk endlessly about who she was going to invite, what kind of supplies she’d need, what she would give out in loot bags (at one point, she thought seeds to plant would be a good idea), you know, all the party planning details that I, as a virgin party-planner, am utterly clueless about.

She sort of got her wish for a beach day on Wednesday. Some of our friends whom we invited couldn’t make it, so it ended up just being Zsofi and us going to New Brighton on what began as a very wet day. But it cleared up nicely (even though the wind was relentless), and the kids had a grand time climbing on rocks and playing on the pirate ship. The usual cupcakes were replaced with ice-cream from Caffe Cream where Raspberry picked out a scoop of Sparkle Sprinkle in a chocolate-dipped cone while I couldn’t decide among all the amazing flavours and settled with tiramisu. It was also there that Zsofi had what she considers real coffee, her first in a while. I feel a little bad that Raspberry didn’t get the big beach bash she’d so been hoping for for months, but she did enjoy her day.

Last night, I set out Raspberry’s half-birthday gift on the coffee table, hoping she’d be surprised beyond words when she saw it this morning. For the past few months, I’d been slowly and secretly building up this gift for her. So many times, I was thoroughly tempted to excavate it from its hiding spot so I can look at it. We’ve never done half-birthday gifts before, so it was to be a complete surprise for her. I gotten her a dress, two cat buttons, some glitter glue, a lunchbox, a postcard of the dog from when the giants were in town, a wooden skeleton to put together, and six books (two Ivy and Bean books — The Ghost that Had to Go and Ivy and Bean Take the Case; Illustration School’s Let’s Draw Cute Animals; The Squirrel’s Birthday and Other Parties; Nicholas; and Free to Be You and Me,which unfortunately hasn’t arrived yet). The unpackaged gift can be seen here. It’s way more than we’ve ever gotten her for her six past birthdays combined and I was really excited to give it to her (I love giving people gifts). When she awoke, Lucas sent her out to the living room on the pretext of getting his watch, and she saw the wrapped gift on the table but didn’t seem to know what to make of it. I thought she’d be bouncing with excitement. Interestingly, she opened the gift in a very subdued manner, quite unbecoming of someone who’s just received an unexpected present, and after examining it, proceeded to alternately arrange it all in piles or spread out on the table. I kept waiting for her to burst out in excited chatter or to start hopping around but neither happened. When I asked her about it later, she said she wasn’t expecting it but she wasn’t surprised either. Well, then!

We spent the morning at the park and picking blackberries, a recent favourite activity of hers. We’d promised her she could pick some yesterday on the way home from Aurelie’s but due to a change in plans, we couldn’t, so we decided to do so today. She even climbed over a fence and got more than usual, filling the plastic tupperware we brought almost to the brim. At the park, she spent a long time working out at the exercise machines (“I’m extracising! It’s different from exercising.”) and at the playground, climbed rungs up to the play structure for the first time ever. She’s never really been physically adventurous and has always been afraid to climb ladders like that. I was quietly surprised and so proud of her. At home, during various intervals through the day, she worked with Lucas to put together the wooden skeleton. I think he was as excited as she was to work on it, if not more. At this moment, the skeleton remains limbless, but it’ll probably be blessed with them tomorrow.

The day went surprisingly swimmingly. It’s the first time in months that I genuinely felt like Raspberry and I had a good day together (I’ve been having a tough time connecting with her since Ares was born… more on that in another post I’ve been meaning to write). Patience came more easily than usual and I actually had fun. I’m not sure how today differed from other days, beyond the fact that it was her half-birthday, but I can only hope this is a turning point and our days will be smoother from here. Cross your fingers for me.

a friday in pictures

A morning spent with interactive art with friends, and an afternoon making art at the Tate.

a quick trip to birkenhead

Raspberry and I took a hop, skip and jump over the river to Birkenhead a few days ago to see the Richard Hamilton exhibition at the Williamson Art Gallery and Museum. This was our first time in Birkenhead. Months ago, I was under the impression that it was a quaint suburban area, but I was quickly assured by friends that it was quite the opposite. Visiting it promptly disproved my initial assumptions. Walking to the gallery from the train station, it reminded me much of walking in some of the neighbourhoods in Liverpool, with abandoned buildings, run-down shops and canine fecal matter (we hope!) on the sidewalk. All in all, nothing special. The only part of our walk over that Raspberry really liked was the fact that a street was called Balls Road. “They should call it Testicles Road!” she shrieked gleefully.

The exhibition was just all right. I enjoyed seeing the famous Just what is it that makes today’s homes so different, so appealing?, and Raspberry really the rolls of toilet paper painted into a few paintings (um, I’m pretty sure it was toilet paper). She kept trying to spot more in other Hamilton works. I often find exhibitions of famous artists’ works just mediocre, nothing spectacular (I saw a Bruce Nauman exhibition in Preston a few months ago and I didn’t think that much of it either). Perhaps I’m anticipating a lot more and then I end up being disappointed by what’s there. Or maybe my standards for what counts as a good exhibition are just too high. I think I see only two to four fantastic exhibitions a year, works of art that I truly enjoy, resonate with me, and leave me wanting more. I’m not sure if that’s usual, but I don’t think it really matters.

Much of our time at the gallery was spent working on a trail in the gallery, whereby you had to locate pictures of cartoon bees pasted onto various objects (including works of art, like pottery). Galleries seem to like passing off scavenger hunt-esque trails as entertaining activites for kids. Sure, it’s a good way to get kids to see the gallery, but if other kids are anything like mine, they zero in on whatever they have to check off the list, to the exclusion of almost everything else. There was one bee in every room, so we had to tour the entire gallery, even though neither of us cared too much for the paintings or textiles or pottery on display (both our preferences leans toward contemporary or modern art). We went into a room plastered with dark wallpaper, with a knight’s armour, ornate sculptures and a dark wood fireplace carved intricately carved with seemingly terrifying creatures that I couldn’t even bear to look at. “Okay, just find the bee and let’s go. This room is freaking me out,” I mumbled nervously to Raspberry.

At the end of the trail, she took her worksheet back to the desk and the person working there offered her a prize for her efforts — a pencil case, a pencil, a ruler, a sharpener and a keyring. She got to pick out the colours of stationery she wanted but at the end, she decided she didn’t need any of it as she already as all of the above, so she gave it back. I was thoroughly impressed and very proud of her for minimalist ways and not introducing extra clutter into our home that I’d end up donating to a charity shop.

We returned to Liverpool right after (stopping to take some pictures that I didn’t on the way there because Raspberry desperately needed to pee) and I surprised her with lunch at Bakchich, the Lebanese street food restaurant where we had lunch on my birthday. We hadn’t had any lunch food at home all week, and since we hardly eat out, I thought she’d like a treat. I’d initially thought we’d split something, since it was almost 3pm, but it cost the same for us to get a chicken shawarma each, so we did that instead. Raspberry’s shawarma was really leaky and made for some messy eating. She really enjoyed it though (possibly because we eat meat only a handful of times a year), but couldn’t finish the last little bit so we had that to go.

Because it was only mid-afternoon, we went to FACT, as I’ve been wanting to watch more of the Sharon Lockhart video that’s part of the Liverpool Biennial. I only got to watch a bit of it a couple of weeks ago — that’s completely expected when you attempt to watch a video with two kids in tow (or even one, for that matter). I figure that if I go a couple more times, I’ll be able to watch the entire video by the time the exhibition closes at the end of October. Raspberry, who usually jumps off the steps on the second floor, decided to climb and jump off the steps on the other side of the bannister on the first floor instead. It reminded me of the time I was younger than Raspberry, and I climbed up the other side of an escalator at a mall and had to be rescued because the escalator’s rail kept going and I couldn’t. Yeah. But I digress. Usually I’m quite happy to have her exhaust herself running and jumping all over FACT, but we needed to pick up groceries for dinner, so our time there was cut short. Besides, after our small adventure to Birkenhead, I was ready to head home anyway.

the giants were here!

street art festival

We went to the Markit Street Art Festival in the Baltic Triangle last month. Raspberry was initially reluctant to go, possibly because we’d been in Manchester the day before and she was tired, but I lured her out with the promise of seeing trees wrapped in yarn.

Unit 51 was our first stop, as there was a small craft fair, but there wasn’t anything in there that we hadn’t seen before. There was, however, an artist writing complaints on toilet paper to be later flushed. She asked Raspberry if she had any complaints she’d like to add and Raspberry said she didn’t. Barely five minutes later, as we were on our way to the bathroom, Raspberry asked if being tired counted as a complaint. When I answered affirmatively, she excitedly ran back and asked to add her complaint to the toilet paper (she later added a self-portrait).

We didn’t actually see much street art, save for bikes with concrete wheels, a speedboat in dazzle camouflage, some sidewalk painting and a couple of illustrations on walls. Much of our time was spent making lots of buttons outside Unit 51. As Raspberry worked on hers, I chatted with Chantelle, a Canadian woman from Vancouver. She’d moved here a year ago with her kids and husband, who works as a pastor at the university. It was so nice to hear a North American accent for a change. We talked briefly about what we were doing here, things we missed about Canada and horror of horrors, she admitted that she actually found the Scouser accent endearing (for what it’s worth, I feel like repeatedly stabbing my ears every time I hear it).

I’d failed to bring a snack for Raspberry, as I didn’t think we were going to be out for very long, so we shared a hot chocolate that wasn’t all that good before heading over to see the yarn-bombed trees. Raspberry declared every single one her favourite because of the various colour combinations, and she wanted to hug them all. If we didn’t have to get home for dinner, we probably would’ve spent hours there. I felt bad having to drag her away from them, but seeing them made for a nice end to our afternoon.

two beach days

The beach calls when the weather’s gorgeous. We’ve been to Crosby Beach twice in two weeks. The first time, we rode the train from Liverpool Central with Zsofi and Carrie. Raspberry fell on the sidewalk on the walk to the beach and Tom very kindly offered her part of his giant gummy snake to cheer her up. The sun dodged in and out of the clouds and the tide came in and receded in the time we were there. The incoming tide created a smaller pool of water that was really nice and warm and I wish I spent more time dipping in toes in there. I found a bone in the sand and we took it to the World Museum in the hopes that they might be able to help us identify it. It looks like a femur and Lucas suggested that it might belong to a quadruped, by the way it’s angled. The staff at the museum couldn’t really tell us what animal it came from. Maybe a rabbit or a chicken, they offered, which didn’t really help.

This week, we rode the train with Carrie and met Zsofi and April, whom we haven’t seen in ages, there. The kids rolled around and leapt into the sand, just like the last time, and Raspberry got stuck in the mud and had to be rescued by a passer-by. It was low tide and I thought I’d prefer it over high tide, but I realized I didn’t enjoy the squidgy mud between my toes and trying not to think about the multiple tangled masses of [dead?] worms strewn all over the wet shore. I found another bone — either a femur or humerus — in the vicinity of where I found the last one, as well as what looks like an inflated sand dollar. The finds make me want to go back there to see if I can uncover more bones or something similarly cool. We didn’t spend as long on the beach this time around, as we walked over to the playground to meet Lucy. It took us eons — four adults, seven children and three babies — as the kids took much more joy in climbing the sand dunes than walking on the path. I must admit that if I didn’t have a sleeping Ares strapped to my front, I’d like to have climbed them too. The next time we go, I think I’d like to spend more time around the sand dunes. As Zsofi so wisely put it, the kids were enjoying it, so why were we pulling them away from it, in favour of what we perceived to be a fun place for them? Anyway, definitely the dunes the next time.

raspberry gets glasses

Raspberry needs glasses.

It took me a long time to accept this. When it was confirmed last Monday, it weighed heavily on my mind for two days and I cried hard both those days. At the root of my despair was my overwhelming guilt for not having Raspberry tested sooner, for not recognizing the signs, and for being in a deep state of denial for months. Her prescription is almost close to mine, so I know what it’s like living in a blurry world, where everything beyond an arm’s length is coloured fuzz. Knowing this, it kills me that my denial led to her living in such state for so long.

It must have been around last fall when Lucas and I talked about getting Raspberry’s eyes tested. I don’t remember what sparked it, but it must have been something she couldn’t see. I remember Lucas going into the optician’s at Clayton Square while Raspberry and I nosed around in Mothercare, either attempting to find her new pajama shirts or casually browsing baby clothes that I didn’t intend to buy. Lucas didn’t get much information from the optician that day as it was busy, but we worried about the cost of the eye test (as money was still really tight then) so we didn’t really pursue it, thinking that whatever Raspberry couldn’t see might have been an anomaly or that it really wasn’t that bad.

Cue the beginning of my denial. I didn’t want to think that my then-five-year-old needed glasses. She’s so young, I wailed. I hated thinking about the fact that she’d have a lifetime of bad vision ahead of her. I was diagnosed with myopia when I was nine. In my mind, I really hoped that if Raspberry needed glasses, it wouldn’t be until she was at least a teenager or better yet, hopefully she’d inherited Lucas’ good eyesight. Cloaked in my denial, I was relieved when we didn’t actually bother with the eye test. At the time, I thought it was something we could deal with later, without consequence.

Then, a few weeks ago at capoeira, Aurelie asked if Raspberry was short-sighted as she was squinting. “I do that too,” Aurelie said. I nodded knowingly, but inside, I freaked out that someone else has noticed and if someone else had picked up on this, then it must be true. I was all too familiar with the squinting, but I’d assumed that it was a Raspberry-quirk. Just like when she spots something on the ground, and practically doubles herself over while bending down to look at it. I thought that was a quirk too. She has many idiosyncrasies, you see. In the same vein, when we were at the Harris Museum in Preston last month, and she couldn’t read the labels accompanying the hung works of art, I’d thought that it was because the sign was well above eye-level for her. Yes, obviously total denial. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that she actually might need glasses.

I mentioned Aurelie’s observation to Lucas, and he asked Raspberry if she could read the sign on the wall of the opposite building and and the licence plate on a car on the other side of the parking lot. I waited with baited breath for her to reply, and alas, to my dismay, she couldn’t. She wrongly guessed a couple of the letters and that’s when I knew we really had to get her eyes tested.

As it turns out, the NHS offers free eye tests for kids (I’d never have known this had Aurelie not told me). With that in mind, I booked an eye test for Raspberry and dragged a nervous, reluctant child to get it done. I dreaded it as much as she did. Despite explaining to her what to expect, she remained apprehensive, although she was running up and down the hallway in the waiting room like a feral child. The optometrist was incredibly nice and she was really good with Raspberry. You could tell she definitely had experience with kids who’d never had their eyes tested before, and Raspberry became calm enough to enjoy the test. She delighted in joining the letters to form nonsensical words, and kept saying how much she liked the red and green projection.

I didn’t realize how bad Raspberry’s eyesight was until she was unable to read the second largest letters. The second largest! I thought she’d at least make it to the point where the letters look a bit like tarantulas on a wall. My stomach clenched the moment she said she couldn’t read them. For a few minutes, I thought that maybe it was a mistake and I wanted to yell, “noooo! Ask her again!” but a greater force (unconscious reason, perhaps?) prevented me from doing so. It eased my mind that a refraction test was done so the prescription would be more accurate. I don’t recall that being done when I used to have eye tests. I’d assumed they would figure out your prescription based on whether lens one or lens two was better. The optometrist patiently answered my freaking-out-parent questions (“No, I don’t think reading all the time caused it.” “It’s mostly genetic.” “No, it can’t be improved. It’ll probably get worse as she gets older. Sorry.”) and I kept feeling like there should be more to ask but there wasn’t.

When we left the optician’s that afternoon, Raspberry and I were both bummed out by the fact that she needed glasses. She was averse to change and not knowing any other kids with glasses, she didn’t want to stick out. I couldn’t commiserate — I started wearing glasses when I was nine, and I was excited about it because I could be like a lot of the other kids in my class. In retrospect, I feel silly for getting excited over bad vision. Raspberry wanted to keep her glasses a secret, saying that she wanted it to be a surprise, but I suspect that might’ve been because she wasn’t sold on them. After she picked out her own glasses the next day though (tortoiseshell, to match mine — should I be flattered… or embarrassed?), she did a complete 180 and felt great about them. She changed her mind about it wanting to be a surprise too and when I asked, she said I could write about it here. While waiting for her glasses to be made over the course of the week, she gradually accepted the fact that she had poor eyesight and needed glasses. She noted that the females in the family now all have glasses and the males don’t. A few days ago when we were walking down the street, she quipped, “We both have bad vision. We’re like a disaster between us!” And she made her first self-portrait of her in glasses while making a birthday card. It seems like she’s embraced her needing glasses.

I suppose in the past week, I’ve grown to accept it too. In the days leading up to today, when she got her glasses, I was actually a little excited that she’d finally be able to see clearly. A week ago, I was in tears though. Lucas, who took a class in trauma during his Master’s, said I was going through the grieving process. I lamented the loss of her previously good eyesight. The guilt was unbearable and I wanted so badly to cry every time I thought about it, until I finally did while burning the midnight oil when everyone else was sound asleep. While Googling for ways to make the transition to glasses easier for Raspberry, I came across a blog for parents of kids with glasses. I felt stupid for feeling so upset over something as trivial as bad eyesight, but while reading the plethora of comments I was surprised to find that my reaction and guilt weren’t uncommon. Knowing that did little to ease my own visceral emotions though. Time made it better. Lucas was upset by the news too, but since he tends to be more logical than emotional, he seemed better able to handle it that I was. He was completely rational, saying that it is what it is and that at least we caught it so she can now get the help she needs to see. Citing an example in one of Raspberry’s favourite books, he suggested that some of Raspberry’s emotional challenges might be helped with her improved vision too.

We picked up Raspberry’s first pair of glasses today and got a second pair made (thankfully, they’re free for kids, a perk of the NHS). She was so amazed by how clear everything suddenly was. On the way home, she ran and bounced and jumped in puddles, all the while reading signs that she probably could barely see just a few hours before. She remarked how everything seemed brighter, an observation I found quite interesting (especially with dark rain clouds looming overhead). To say she was excited would be an understatement.

Sometime during the afternoon, she realized that she couldn’t read with her glasses on as everything was a big blur. We went back and I was told it’s because her reading prescription is nil and that she should just take her glasses off when reading or seeing something close up. It makes little sense to me, since I’ve always been able to read with my glasses on, even when my prescription was rather low. I imagine it’ll be quite the hassle for her to keep putting her glasses on and off just so she can see things properly. We’ll be going back tomorrow to speak to an optometrist so we can figure out what’s going on. As Lucas puts it, we’re learning as we go. It’s strange for someone who has worn glasses for most of her life, but I suppose it makes sense. Hopefully we’ll be able to sort everything out soon and Raspberry will be able to see, hassle-free.

the last day of may

Ares caught Raspberry’s cold and has been sneezing and coughing all day. We initially thought he was sneezing because it was cold in the apartment and that he was coughing from too much saliva. Eighteen weeks old and he’s got his first illness (Raspberry miraculously didn’t fall sick until she was sixteen months old, around the time Michael Jackson died). As expected, he hasn’t been as smiley or chatty as he usually is. Rather, he’s been snotty and sneezing on me, as I’ve been holding him much of today as sick kids are often clingy. You’d think my chest would be a veritable mess of Ares’ bodily fluids but amazingly, it isn’t.

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Raspberry and I went to the Victoria Gallery and Museum in the afternoon to do a craft run by Tabitha Moses. We met Tabitha last summer during another craft she was running at the same locale. Coincidentally, we were both pregnant at the time and both due in January. Her daughter was born just a week after Ares was. It wasn’t busy at all, probably because the weather was gorgeous outside. Raspberry crafted her bird and Tabitha and I chatted a bit about babies and motherhood. She held Ares, who just wanted to stand in her lap, and I was suddenly feeling rather aware — self-conscious, even — of how large my baby was compared to hers. In a similar vein, I was suddenly feeling frumpy, as my skirt (intended to be knee-length) was now shin-length, forced south by a wrinkly, post-partum belly.

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Lucas brought home a new pot for our strawberry and tomato plants yesterday. His colleague joked that he’s not allowed to bring pot to work. Raspberry and him worked on re-potting the plants this morning, right in the middle of the living room. If it were me, I would’ve done it outside, but Lucas said he didn’t want the hassle of bringing everything in and out repeatedly. When all was said and done, he suggested we could find a worm to live in the pot. As luck would have it, we came across a line worm beside the sidewalk on our way home. I thought it was dead, seeing as there was no real grass nearby and it was in the glaring sun, but Raspberry saw it wiggle. She brought it home dangling from a stick and it proceeded to die while in the pot. I suspect it was near-death when we found it. Raspberry tried to toss the body out the window onto the grass but it landed on the ledge outside instead. So until it gets moved or decomposes (whichever comes first), we’ll have a constant reminder of this poor worm who died while in our possession.

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I finally trimmed my bangs after about six months. I’d initially thought I’d grow them out, but pulling them back made me feel plain, so out came the scissors and off went the hair. I’m feeling strangely energized by the return of my bangs. I suspect though, in a few days, I might get sick of brushing them out of my eyes. That happens every time.

Sunday afternoon hot chocolate and napkin-drawing, trying to reconnect with the kid, whose every action inexplicably seems to annoy me these days.
It’s still a work in progress.

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